Nick Abbot, Virgin 1215, 1994

Nick: Northampton.

Girl: Hello.

Nick: Yes.

Girl: Um, well something really exciting just happened to me.

Nick: Oooooh!

Girl: I know. Um, I'm a student and I rang a friends house but he wasn't in and one of his housemates answered. And we just like had this hour long conversation. I mean, I don't know who he is, what he looks like or anything. But erm... and it's just really exciting. [Laugh]

Nick: Oh no, can we re-cap because I was um, busy thinking of something else.

Girl: Oh. Sorry.

Nick: You know, like shopping and erm, important stuff like that.

Girl: Oh OK.

Nick: So you called your friend's house.

Girl: Yeah.

Nick: And they weren't there.

Girl: Yeah.

Nick: And some bloke was there, right? That you don't know and you never met before. Who the hell was he, the burglar?!

Girl: No, he lives there as well. He's a friend of a friend.

Nick: Ooh right, and so you were talking to him and you were getting on *really* well.

Girl: Really well.

Nick: Were you erm, like, er, just moist at the thought?

Girl: Quite.

Nick: Yeah. And did you discuss... well what did you talk about? For a start, did you lead it to gradually into er... sex?

Girl: This is really strange to you, in a way because erm, I've only just recently started listening to your show since I moved here.

Nick: Where have you been, living in a cocoon or something?

Girl: No, living in the South East were we can't get Virgin. [Huh? -Timo]

Nick: Right.

Girl: So I've only just started listening to it and because I listen to your show, whatever, and you always play this Sherl Crow song.

Nick: Yeah.

Girl: Which I *love* and I actually went and bought the single today, which I couldn't believe was only 99p, so I bought it.

Nick: What does this have to do with it?

Girl: *Because* I was talking to him earlier and he said he listens to your show as well and I said about this song because the song on it's own gets me quite hot anyway.

Nick: Reeeeally?

Girl: Yeah, and erm, so I went and got my little portable stereo and I played it down the phone to him. He recognised the song, and that's how things started getting... you know.

Nick: So did you discuss er... did you, were you flirting heavily?

Girl: I think I was, he's probably listening to this right now, you know.

Nick: Oh yeah.

Girl: But I think I was.

Nick: Now, how do you flirt? What did you say to him to erm, because you were quite er, hot at this time because you had just played that song that gets you really going.

Girl: I played it over and over again.

Nick: Right, so where you rubbing your body while you were talking to him on the phone?

  Girl: N-no, I wasn't doing that but I was wriggling around.

Nick: Wriggling?! On what?

Girl: [Laugh] Well, I'm wearing jeans, you see so you got the seam.

Nick: Yeah... so you're wriggling on the seam of your jeans?

Girl: Uh-huh.

Nick: And erm, but you weren't touching yourself in a disgusting way?

Girl: It's not disgusting.

Nick: Can I take you off the air, I want to get his number? And I'm gonna call him up. Hang on a second.

Girl: Oh, I've got to go and get it for you.

Nick: OK, you go and get it.

Girl: Alright, I will.

Nick: And be quick because I'm not going to play a song now and I need that number right now, 'cus we only got a couple of minutes left of the thuuulky part of the show.

Girl: Alright then.

Nick: Don't hesitate, do it right now!

Girl: I'm going.

Nick: No! Put the phone down and do it now!! [Laugh] She's listening to me, 'OK, I'll do it, I'll do it now.' No, don't tell me you're going to do it! Just do it! God, the young folk today, they're just such a pain in the arse. Hello?

Girl: [Laugh] Hello.

Nick: [Laugh] So I'm going to take you off the air, hang on one moment, I'll play a nice piece of music for the ladies and... well not nice, it'll be sounding something like this... [cheesy organ music] Yes!

[Phone rings]

Bloke: Hello?

Nick: Is Simon there please?

Bloke: Yeah, who is it?

Nick: Simon, this is Nick Abbot from Virgin 1215. We're on the air right now.

Bloke: Hello.

Nick: Yes, and erm we're on the air with Sophie.

Bloke: [Laugh] You're joking.

Nick: No, who is... [To Clint] Did I cut her off? Damn it! I cannot figure this phone system out. This is *so screwed*! *Why* can't we... millions of pounds have been spent on this building with all it's er, great stuff we mess around with, but we got a phone system from Taiwan here! Alright, what we're going to do is... do you know her number?

Bloke: Yeah, I do.

Nick: Alright, I'm going to take *you* off the air and call her back. Geeez!! Talk about a pain, here comes... now I'm going to have to play you another piece of this chronic organ music! [Music starts again] God!

Nick: Alright, before I do anything, what do I have to do to keep both of these people on the line at the same time?

Clint: Hold him.

Nick: Hold him?

Clint: Yep.

Nick: By pressing that again? OK.

Clint: Now press Alt, go for a line, er, go for that line.

Nick: No I can't use this one. I've got to use this one here.

Clint: Well pick this one up.

Nick: Pick that one up?!

Clint: Erm...

Nick: Wait a minute. [To caller] Are you still there?

Bloke: Yep.

Nick: It's a miracle! Well hang on. Er, right, so I'm going to hold him there and I'm going to have to use this one... here? Right. Are you still there?

Bloke: Yeah.

Nick: This is a miracle of modern technology, I can't believe we got this far. If you get cut off then I'll probably kill myself.

Bloke: I'll understand.

Nick: Hang on. Now, I press Alt and this. Sh...[muffled]..iit!! I cut him off!!

Girl: Hello?

Clint: Because you didn't hold him.

Girl: Hello?

Nick: How, he was on the *air*!!! How much more held do you have to be?!

Clint: You have to hold it, so he's not on air.

Nick: Well, I want them *both* on the air at the same time! How much did this phone system cost? Like 20 pence? Did we get this in Carnaby Market? God! Now, is this Sophie?

Girl: Yes.

Nick: Now I'm going to have to call him back and we got three minutes to the news. Alright now I'm going to put you on hold.

Girl: Alright then.

Nick: I don't know if I even want to do this any more. Look we got all these calls backed up here, and all this great stuff. Stuff that I want to talk about and I'm busy wasting my time with this *crappy* phone system, and the line is screwed as well. It sounds as if I'm speaking from er... that wouldn't work anyway. I'll put you on hold. I don't even know if I want to do this any more.

Clint: One more try.

Nick: One more try. Hang on. That was a chronic line anyway, just awful.

Clint: Right, so Alt. No Alt! Alt! Alt.

Nick: No, right but I can't dial out on this one. I've got to use this one over here.

Clint: Oh OK.

Nick: Now I can't get a line.

Clint: OK, get a line here. [Weird tones]

Nick: No you can't dial on that one. You got to dial on this one. OK, so that's it. I've, ugh... [Sigh] Let's do it tomorrow. It's, no I can't. I just... hello?

Girl: Yeah.

Nick: Sophie, yeah, um, we're gonna have to do this tomorrow because it's just beyond my ability. The show was going so well, everything was fine and smooth and then you showed up.

Girl: I'm sorry, I have this effect on things.

Nick: Do you have horns and a tail? Or is it just my imagination?

Girl: I think they are growing...

Nick: That's what your friend on the other line was saying, 'I think it's growing.'

Girl: Do you know, the friend I rang originally just rang me from a phone box, just before you rang me back.

Nick: Really?

Girl: It's getting very confusing.

Nick: So how did he make it from the phone box back to his house?

Girl: No, no, the friend I rang to speak to originally who wasn't in earlier.

Nick: Right.

Girl: And he just rang.

Nick: Now you're really confusing me.

Girl: Sorry. [Laugh]

Nick: Oh, I see what you mean. Now I see what you mean. Riiight, OK, so now it's all like circular and completely tubular. [Interference] And now we're getting a crossed line. This is just too much to bear.

Girl: Alright then.

Nick: Simon is on 1? Now if I press, if you, look we got 30 seconds before the news, what the hell is the point? OK.

Clint: Alt.

Nick: Now are you both there?

Girl: Yes, I am.

Nick: Simon, are you there?

Clint: No, that one.

Nick: Oh, this one?

Clint: Alt.

Nick: Ooh.

Bloke: Hello?

Nick: See, now I cut her off.

Bloke: Oh!

Nick: OK, well, that's it! Forget it!!

Bloke: Good try.

Nick: We'll do it tomorrow.

Bloke: Okie dokie.

Nick: If it kills me, I'm going to get you both on the air at the same time. Either it'll kill me, or I'm going to kill the engineering staff in the building. One of the two.

Bloke: Alright.

Nick: Best of luck. Thanks a lot, OK. God!! See, everything was going so well, and then certain elements had to call in and just it was like a red rag to a bull, like dangling this carrot in front of the donkey's nose, and it... like an *idiot* I picked up the challenge and I thought, you know, *foolishly* that in a building that has just been built with equipment that was installed this year, or less than a year ago, state of the art equipment, *foolishly* I thought that you just might be able to get two calls on the air at the same time. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!

[Virgin jingle and news]

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