Subject:      Nicks bits 93 : The phone-outs
From:         Trevor 
Date:         Fri, 09 AUG 1996

!Disclaimer! This is a collection of articles examining bits from the
extensive archives. We are currently examining Nick Abbot in his 1993
show on Virgin. These early shows were never taped by the station,
something which only came into use when the BCC started recieving a lot
of complaints. (Hello, Ms.Katz!)

Todays episode - the phone *outs*

(Phone ringing)

Receptionist : News International, good morning?

Nick : Oh, hi! I just erm.. I have a story about Piers Moron, your

Receptionist : "yeah."

Nick : "I just have a question because, in the column, it says today he
is.. ermm... attracted to horses?

Receptionist : "Hmmm..."

Nick : "..which is one of the most extraordinary things I've seen in my
life! He says 'I reckon Phillip has dropped a clanger..', he's talking
about Phillip Schofield?, he says 'his appeal is based on his youthful
looks, I've never met a heartthrob with grey hair except Desert


Nick : "I was just curious as to if he comes in a little saddle-sore in
the morning?.."

Receptionist (stunned) : "..okay.. hold the line.."

Nick : "..with a little bag of sugar lumps maybe? In his desk?"

Receptionist : "Yeah, hold the line!"

Nick : "Okay." (Brief crap waiting music, phone ringing tone) "Wonder
who we're going to get through to?"

Newsdesk : "Hello, news!"

Nick : "Oh hi! Yes, I'm reading about your columnist, Piers Moron, and
in the Sun.. well it was yesterday now...."

Newsdesk : "Yeah.."

Nick : "...he says, erm.., he's attracted to horses!"

Newsdesk (stunned tone) : "I *beg* your pardon?"

Nick : "No! Seriously, because I've got it in front of me now and it
says.. um.. because he's talking about 'Pip' Schofield?"

Newsdesk : "Yeah?"

Nick : "...and he says that 'his appeal is based on his youthful

Newsdesk : "Uh-huh."

Nick : "And umm... Piers says that he's never met a heartthrob with grey
hair except Desert Orchid!'"

Newsdesk : "Oh! Right. Yes."

Nick : "What does *that* mean?"

Newsdesk : "God knows. Who am I speaking to?"

Nick : "I just wondered if he had like a little bag of sugar lumps that
he brought in with him? You know, sort of a harness and a bit stashed

Newsdesk : "Well, if you'd like to ring Piers in the morning.."

Nick : "Can I? What's his number?"

Newsdesk : "782 - (I'm not typing it out!)"

Nick : "Okay, and that'll get straight through to him?"

Newsdesk : "Yes."

Nick : "Thanks very much!"

Newsdesk : "Bye."

Nick : "Bye then." (Hangs up) "Wow. Ok. I wonder how many calls *he's*
going to get. This'll be *great*!

                        *       *       *       *

In 1993, Nick attempted to phone up various radio phone-in DJs to
terrorise them live on air. After a success with with "Scotty McClue",
he attempted to phone up LBC and the resulting chaos ended in a (record)
1000 fine and a weeks suspension. The background:
(No, I don't know how to spell "Scotty McClue")

Nick : "..Now they won't pick it up (phone is answered) for like four

Operator : "Redrose Gold, good morning!"

Nick : "Hello, who's this?"

Operator : "This is Redrose Gold, the late night phone-in, can I help

Nick : "Cool, yeah, this is Nick Abbot from Virgin 1215 and you're on
the air right now?"

Operator : "Hello Nick!"

Nick : "Who's the guy whose on the air?"

Operator : "The guy whose on the air is called Scotty McClue."

Nick : "'Scotty McClue'"

Operator : "Scotty McClue"

Nick : "What kind of a name is *that*?"

Operator : "Well, that's Scotty McClue, that's his name! A very old
Scottish family, he comes from."

Nick : "Really. Allright, can I speak to him?"

Operator : "Well I can;t put you through to him right at the moment
because he's actually speaking to someone else."

Nick : "Well put me on hold."

Operator : "I'll certainly put you on hold, and you can listen to the

(Program goes on line)

Nick (Mocking, feeble old woman voice) : "Oh Scotty, I think your
programs really nice! I've just been to pick oop me pension, and you
really make life worth living..  eeeRRRRRR!! Yak Yak Yak Yak Yak! I
wonder if she'll ever *shut up*. Oh! They're onto cancer now! It's just
a laugh a minute on this show, isn't it? Does this guy (scotty) sound a
little drunk to you? Is he slurring his words or is it my
imagination..." (Operator breaks in)

Operator : "Right, now does he sound like such a terrible person?"

Nick : "He sounds drunk to me!"

Operator : "Oh come *ON*!"

Nick : "Are you serious? the guy sounds smashed out of his brains!"

Operator : "D'you think he'd touch alcohol before coming on air?"

Nick : "Well, no, I heard that his doctor told him to keep away from
drink, so he only uses a straw."

Operator : (Forced) "Ha ha ha!"

Nick : "It's the old ones that are the best aren't they?"

Operator : "They are indeed."

Nick : "That's what Mandy Smith says..."

Operator : "her her her.."

Nick : "So are you gonna let me speak to him?"

Operator : "Well I can;t put you through right now, but I think.."

Nick : "Well would you tell that woman to *shut up*? Geez, I've heard
enough of her!"

Operator : "rright..."

Nick : "What is she on, cancer now?"

Operator : "I think she probably is, yes.."

Nick : "It's just a laugh-a-minute, your show, isn't it?"

Operator : "It certainly is, and it's very popular."

Nick : (sarcastically) "I *bet* it is, yeah. With the over 50's. What
are your demographics? What is it, people aged 105 for this show?"

Operator : "Any age over 18.."

Nick : "..any age as long as they're practically *dead*!"

Operator (now getting severely pissed off) "Not at all, no."

(banter continues)

Operator : "Well, we have a few people lined up to talk to him.."

Nick : "WAIT A SECOND! I am a *big* celebrity! I wanna speak to him....
can't I jump to the front of the cue? JESUS! I get straight in the front
when I go to Planet Hollywood, and I can't speak to 'Scotty McClue' when
I damn-well please? Are you serious?"

Operator : "I can't put you straight on, because what we do is put
people on in order we don't jump the queue...."

Nick : "OH GET LOST.."

Operator : "It's not fair (gettting angry) it's not fair, hang on mate!
it's not fair.."

Nick : "Listen to *this* guy! I've got hundreds and thousands of

(Hours later, Nick is still on hold. Caller sounds about 100)

Nick : "Jeez, this is almost like necrophillia, isn't it? How old was
she, about like 1000? Doesn't it make you wanna puke? Now what's.."

Radio feed (Caller - 'Yvonne') "I'm sitting here listening to Sky radio,
a certain channel.."

Nick (mouth full) : "MMMMMmm! Here we go! This is us!"

Radio feed : "..this particular channel is slagging you off at the

Nick (Delighted) : "It's us!"

Radio feed : "Talking about the lass you were just talking to, talking
about cancer, slagging her off. Now, I must admit, I'm not a listener of
your program. I'm sitting listening to this guy, from this channel,
slagging you off, trying to get on the phone to you.. he's just getting
me wound up! (nick laughs) talking about the Scots, and talking about
you and talking about this lass you were just talking to. I thought,
what the hells he got to just sit there and slag off... he's saying that
there are so many millions of people.."

Nick : "Oh yeah, that's what I said! Millions!"

Radio feed : "Which I must admit, I was listening to him, and I thought
he's got a it of a cheek! And he's trying to get through on the phone,
and he cannae get through on the phone and..."

Nick : "man, this is painful isn't it? Listen to the guy! it's a good
job he's off the air in a moment, anyway, isn't it?"

Next episode : Same trick with LBC leads to a record fine after a
'verbal tirade' about the board operator.

Coming soon : Nick's bits 94/Freudian slips/Wild Al Kelly, genius and
god of radio/the worst bits of Ceasar etc etc etc
|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist||

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