Date: Mon, 26 AUG 1996 16:23:56 +0100 
From: Trevor 
Subject: Nicks Bits 93 

!Disclaimer! - Don't feed lemons to cats. You could probably try and
feed a cat to a lemon, but fruit has no power of mastication or
digestion of complex food sources.

Nick is often complaining about people 'half-hearing' what he says and
complaining about it. Read the next example, and you'll see that he's
actually quite justified in his belief that so many people do this...
The call that was mis-heard was about pornography, and the excerpt that
concerns us is :

Caller : "...I'm very open about pornography and I'm not praticularly
interested in it but, you know, what ever people want as long as it's

Nick : " long as the participants are willing and they're over 16 or
whatever.. or whatever the law is in this count.. probably about like

Caller : "..the kind of pornography they were talking about was the kind
that customs officials were saying 'yes, this is the kind of stuff we
would do major busts for, and they actually televised the busts."

Nick : "Well quite right too! I mean, you're taking advantage of little
kids and nobody in their right minds would think that was right. But
it's just like the kind of general.. erm.. sweeping attitude we have in

Caller : "..oh yeah, I think the British are very uptight.."

Nick (laughs) : "Yeah! Apart from the Arabic countries, we have got to
be one of the worst in the world.."

Caller : "..well the Americans are getting a bit strange.."

Got that??? Right. Now comes Mr.Cloth ears.....

Nick : "Belfast"

Caller : "Hello, good morning."

Nick : "Hello, good morning."

Caller : "How are you?"

Nick : "allright"

Caller : "OK. Just before midnight you made a very sweeping statement.."

Nick : "what was that?"

Caller : "err.. there was a gentleman caller on.."

Nick : "..doesn't sound like me!"

Caller : "..and you were talking about pornography and how adult people
can turn it off and watch it if they want to."

Nick : "Can turn what off?"

Caller : "They can turn the video off, they can turn the television off
anything they want if pornography comes on the screen."

Nick : "Did I say that? I don't think so."

Caller : "yes, you did. What this chap said was, that what he objected
to was having children in pornography.."

Nick : "yeah"

Caller : "..and you agreed with him, and I totally agree with you, it's
totally wrong, but then you said 'well, it depends what Arab country it
comes from' What did you mean by that?"

Nick (Laughs) : "I said what? See, I don't know what station you're
listening to but this is Virgin 1215..."

Caller : "..I know, and I'm listening to 1215.."

Nick : "..right!"

Caller : " brought the Arab people into it.."

Nick : "Yeah.."

Caller : " a big sweeping statement as if to say 'Well if you want
child pornography in videos, then you must get a tape made in the Arab

Nick : "Oh yeah, right! That's what I said, right!"

Caller : "So, why did you say that?"

Nick : (laughs) "Listen sir, I did'nt say anything of the kind. I'm
going to send you some Q tips in the mail, OK? Wait for a package at you
door! "

Let's compare the two again, shall we?

caller 1 said : "..oh yeah, I think the British are very uptight.."

Nicks reply : "Yeah! Apart from the Arabic countries, we have got to be
one of the worst in the world.."

And the complainee heard : "well, it depends what Arab country it comes
from" and "Well if you want child pornography in videos, then you must
get a tape made in the Arab countries!"

                        *       *       *       *

This next call is dedicated to MERLIN. ;)

Nick : "Pontypridd"

Caller : "Hello Nick, how are you?"

Nick (mimics Welsh accent) : "Fine"

Caller : "Good, fine. Right, well talking about organs is some
relevance, I suppose"

Nick : "yes.."

Caller : "A couple of weeks ago I was listening to your program, well I
listen to it most nights actually, but anyway a couple of weeks ago
there was someone on refering to Welshman and sheep. I don't know if you
remember it?"

Nick : "Umm..  Uh-hmm."

Caller : "..whether they are compatible in some way or another. Just to
enlighten a few people about it, actually. On the bank holiday Monday
now (Note - coincidence, huh?) where I'm living, there's erm.. a beer
barrel race, and the winner of the race gets the pick of the best
looking sheep..."

Caller : "erm... second and third get second and third get second and
third obviously."

Nick : "Now wait a minute, what do they get to... pick the sheep.. for?"

Caller : "I'm just getting to this, actually. After the first, second
and third have picked their sheep, then there's a stampede. Everybody
goes mad for the sheep, because nobody wants to get an ugly one,

Caller : "you know. So um.. anyway, you can imagine then, with the
Welshman, the wellies and.. whatever. Erm.. it's a bit awkward
sometimes, actually, because it depends on your build. When you stick
the sheeps feet down inside the wellingtons it's a bit difficult to get
the sheeps head round to.."

Nick : "I DON'T think we want to hear *this!*" 

|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist||        

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