Date: Sat, 24 AUG 1996 16:44:59 +0100
Subject: The bits is back! (Nicks bits 93)
!Disclaimer! - I found a life, but lost it again, so here we go...
Nick : "West Ham"
Caller : "'ello mate, yeah? Kebab 'ere, yeah? Everyone going on abaht
the bible tonight, yeah? D'you know what I fink is wrong with this
nation, the reason why we're all screwed up? It's childrens progammes,
right? If you study childrens programmes, they are evil, they've got
problems, right? Take 'Rainbow', for instance, right? There's a bloke
called Jeffrey in it, who walks around with a limp wrist, and he wears
red flares and he talk to little animals with zips... (giggles) sorry,
my friends... (bursts into maniacal laughter)"
Nick : (hangs up) "Uh oh. Well, we're slipping, aren't we?"
* * * *
Nick : "ESSEX!"
Caller : "Greetings! and I've been offended by your screener because he
thought I was on drugs or something.."
Nick : "Rrrrrreally?"
Caller : "Anyway, I'm phoning up on behalf of a friend of mine. I've got
this penfriend who lives in Hereford and... he's got an imaginary
aardvark that lives in his head. Called Boris. And he's gone missing!
(SFX : 'WHAAAAT?') and he's like really sad and lonely. Without him. And
so we want people to like... if they find Boris, direct him back to
Hereford.... so have you seen him, or what?"
Nick : "Seen what?"
Caller : "Boris."
Nick : "Boris the aardvark."
Caller : "We thought he might have been kidnapped or something? Y'know,
is there a sort of.... y'know, trade in kidnapping aardvarks?"
(SFX : "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" Hangs up)
* * * *
Caller : "but..but you can break free of this, but people must realise
that these monsters.. they're.. they're sinister, they're evil because..
they didn't exist they are... a creation created by Satan in order to..
corrupt minds and to dispute the words of the bible."
Nick : "Right. So Stephen Spielberg...and erm.. Hollywood.. is.."
Caller : "Hollywood is a tool, Hollywood is is is is Satans tool, it's a
long time since anything good has come from Hollywood....."
Nick : "..and, uh, can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question?
Are you 'God's tool'"
Caller : "Yes, I am."
Nick : "Yeah, you sound like a complete tool to me (hangs up)"
* * * *
Nick : "Edinburgh"
Caller : "Hi, Nick, how are you doing?"
Nick : "Allright."
Caller : "yeah, listen. I used to work in a garage, right man?"
Nick : "O.K."
Caller : "And.. uh.. I used to stick the keys up the boy from Canada's
bum? And he used to tell me what make the car was! "
Nick : "(Laughing) Whhoooaah!! He did *WHAT*? What did he say? If he
said what I *think* he said...."
* * * *
Nick : "..cause it's pretty funny reall, when you think about it."
Caller : "Yeah, I think so."
Nick : "Especially the way youy do it!"
Caller : "Yeah, especially Kenneth Williams, because um.. he had his
life story in one of the papers, and he was quite a raging pervert
Nick : "A 'raging pervert'? What makes you say that???"
Caller : "Well, 'cos like, y'know, he was gay basically..."
Nick : "..that makes you a 'raging pervert'?"
Caller : "ermm.. in my mind, yes."
Nick : "Really? Well I think that makes you a raging _ARSEHOLE_. Don't
you _EVER_ call this show again..."
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