Date: Sun, 11 AUG 1996 16:32:20 +0100 
From: Trevor 
Subject: Nicks bits : The LBC incident 

!Disclaimer! - May induce lightheadedness, dry mouth, confusion and
potentiate the effects of any CNS depressants. Avoid alcohol.

In todays episode we continue the in depth and thoroughly overblown
history lesson that lead up to the infamous 'LBC incident' in Summer
1993. The story so far : Our heroes have finally penetrated the castles
inner sanctum and are on the way to rescuing... no, sorry.. Nicks just
decided, after a few success's with other DJ's, to call up LBC's Robbie
Vincent (him of the 'crusty photograph'). This is a 1000 mistake.....

(Tech. note : The board were aware of Abbot attempting to phone them,
and had his show on in the control room)

Nick : "Allright, well let's see... if we can't get Robbie Vincent on
the show. Wouldn't that be fabulous? The *king* of British talk. (Dials
number, sighs, phone rings) And you just get straight through, right? He
has absolutely nobody whatsoever callling his show. Wonder what the
topic is tonight, do you think it's arthritis? Arthritis week coming up,
ladies and gentleman. National eczema week coming up as well. This is
gonna be *great*! LBC, the soon to be extinct London talk station, the
FM side speaks to people 70 and over and the AM side speaks to really
old people. (Laughs) So boring you could virtually die listening to it,
if you have problems sleeping then tune it right in! (Phone continues to
ring) I think the board operators gone to sleep himself, how long does
the phone have to ring on that station before they pick it up? What do
we need, some accompanying music? Here's something... oop.."

Operator : "Hello?"

Nick : "Hello, is this LBC?"

Operator : "Hmm. Can I help you?"

Nick : "Yeah, is this the Robbie Vincent show?"

Operator : "Uh.. well you're obviously not listening to us, because it's
not being presented by Robbie Vincent at the moment.."

Nick : "Oh great! Who's on?"

(Radio in background : "Hmm. can I help you", silence)

Nick : "Hello? (silence) Hello?"

Operator : "Yes?"

Nick : "Who's on?"

Operator : "Well, if you're not even bothering to listen to the program
you're phoning, and seeing as how we're listening to *yours* at the
moment to see that you're phoning us, I think that's a bit feeble
really. Goodnight. "

Nick : "FEEBLE? OH WOW, SHE wasn't a very nice lady, WAS SHE? What a
_bitch_! You see, they're very upset in that building because their
licence is gonna run out really quickly and they're all scrambling
atound desperately trying to find a job. Well you'd be upset too, right?
Their new phrase - 'LBC-ing you!' (Laughs) So somebody has obviously
rung them up and alerted them to the fact that we were gonna call, and
were they up for it? Not in the least. What a bunch of yellow-bellied
bastards they are at LBC! And she was listening to this show, their
output was so dull she was listening to _this_ show!"


Nick : "I bet, just from the tone of her voice, I bet she hadn't had sex
in her whole life. Geez, she was wound up like an alarm clock, GOD! So
maybe we should get a radio and see who's on that program, could they be
even more boring than Robbie Vincent? Is that possible? OK, well they
obviously din't like me very much, so screw them!"

                        *       *       *       *

Following this attempt, Nick tried to call the Terry Christian show
unsuccessfully (transcript later, *perhaps*), the last words of his show
were - "absolutely no luck whatsoever on this show, they *hate* me out
there!". The next night, listeners were suprised to hear Paul Ross in
the place of Nick, and some questions obviously came up regarding Nicks
sudden removal.

                        *       *       *       *

Paul : "My name's Paul Ross, with you till 2 in the morning, sitting in
for the great Nick Abbot, and on the line right here, right now, we've
got LEE! Another Scottish caller from Glasgow. Lee, good morning."

Caller : "Good morning. Long live Virgin."

Paul : "Pardon?"

Caller : "Long live Virgin.."

Paul : "Long live Virgin, hey?.."

Caller : "LBC is dead."

Paul : " sheriff in town, it's called Virgin 1215 and we love it to
bits. Don't we? Now what do you want to share with u..."

Caller : "I hope the station manager's listening to that, by the way."

Paul : "Pardon?"

Caller : "I hope the station manager's listening to that"

Paul : "I'm sure they did.."

Caller : "It's terrible.."

Paul : "..they're counting my every syllable, Lee, so I'm erring on the
side of caution. Normally I'm a Saturday morning guy, normally I'm with
the old N****** B** R** M** show, I'm a stranger to nighttime
controversy, and I hope.."

Caller : "What is this LBC crap anyway? What is this.."

Paul : "Lee, I hope you're going to be gentle with me here, I thought
you were going to talk about women DJ's?"

Caller : "ah, I was. I just wanted to get that wee point in.."

Paul : "... you've made your point, Lee."

Caller : "We've got to stand by him. You know, this bureaucratic

Paul : "The man who pushes the envelope, we know his name and we're
going to stand by him."

                        *       *       *       *

Paul : "Now why are you ringing me tonight?"

Caller : "Just wanted to have a bit of a bitch about censorship, for
obvious, why, basically? I mean, I've got an off button on
my radio, hasn't everybody else?"

Paul : "Well, um, if you're talking about dear old Nicks demise... not
_demise_! I mean, there is a contract out on him.. no I think he's being
reprimanded in the form of a mild slap on the legs at the moment, and
obviously the management here are having a bit of an inquest into what
to do.. I suppose there's two things - you're right that people can turn
the radio off but I don't think, in this case, it's the offensiveness,
neccesarily, and I haven't heard what Nick did (obviously!) but I think
it's basically just that and I don't think.. we can't take calls on Nick
after this one. But I think that it's that there are regulations,
broadcasting regulations, in this country.."

Caller : "Well, it's like anything, it's like the 'Derek and Clive'
video, yeah?"

Paul : "But that's slightly different, isn't it, because you buy that
and choose to put it on in your own home..."

Caller : "..but people choose to listen to radio for certain reasons."

Paul : "but it doesn't contravene either the laws of the land or
broadcasting guidelines. If you run a butchers shop, Pete, and you sell
meat that's riddled with maggots you're gonna get closed down. Now I'm
not saying that Nick is riddled with maggots.. but.."

Caller : "I've never seen him so I can't pass comment.."

Paul : "..but what does happen, of course, is that you get a radio
frequency on the understanding that you will abide by certain
broadcasting standards, and whether or not Nick has exceeded them the
management here are erring on the side of caution, possibly, and are
saying 'OK, there's a possibility that some guidelines were
transgressed, and we're gonna put a bit of a pause button on Nick for
the moment and we'll have an inquest."

Caller : "But it's like on television, where you get these things that
come up and say 'this program may offend'. Y'know, I mean that's fair
enough, people know that if they might be offended by it they can turn
it off. That sort of censorship I agree with, personal censorship, I
mean, people aren't stupid, they can make up their own minds about

Paul : "Well it's like I said, it's.. and it's like I'm saying Nick is
childish, but.. now if you've got a kid, you want kids to say what they
think, but every now and then they'll say something and you'll say
'Don't say that! it's not big, and it's not clever.' and their gonna
have a bit of an inquest into it. And I'm afraid to say that I've got to
put a moratorium on the old Nick phone calls.. he's a dear, sweet man.
My spiritual brother, and fingers crossed."

Caller : "Yes, we love him. Bring him back."

                        *       *       *       *

The newspapers were less impressed by the episode. Two Abbot fans,
Martin Gisborne and Thom Chesser, wrote an open letter to the station
boss David Campbell, reproduced in some newspapers. Meanwhile, the
notoriously snotty Guardian Media section wrote the following:

"VIRGIN 1215 boss David Campbell describes the celebratedly blase Nick
Abbot as "the most radical phone-in host on British radio". But the
Richard Branson owned station has suspended Abbot and fined him 1000
"for hurling abuse at rival station LBC live, on air", last Wednesday.

During his Virgin show, the shock-jock rang LBC's Robbie Vincent Show,
then hosted by a stand-in, apparently to taunt it over the loss of it's
franchise. But the women monitoring calls recognised him and was tersely
hostile, which prompted an Abbot soliloquy describing her as a "bitch"
and LBC as a "bunch of yellow-bellied bastards". "Nick's listeners
expect him to be out on the edge," says Campbell, "but this time he went
over it." Some of his listeners in fact are dismayed by his downfall,
sensing further evidence of a decrease in free speech. Two Abbot fans,
Martin Gisborne and Thom Chesser, dispatched an open letter to Campbell:
"British broadcasting has been crying out for this kind of show for
years. Nick is a shooting star that should not be forced to fade through
archaic censorship laws." Perhaps a little excessive, in view of the
monologue that caused the carpeting?"

So Nicks suspension lasted a week, and he came back subdued and a little
grumpy (!) for a few days.

Caller : "...I'm thinking about this Olympic bid jazz, y'know."

Nick : "Yes?"

Caller : "And it's a load of bull, innit?"

Nick : "A load of..."

Caller : "Bull, yeah. A.."

Nick : ".. A load of..."

Caller : "Bull*shit* then, if you want.."

Nick (upset) : "Oh, right.. OK."

                        *       *       *       *




Coming up : After a few more (actually funny!) phone-outs, back to the
usual collection of freaks, well known faces and disgusting outbursts.
And a crap competition! Oh joy! I'm almost wetting myself in antici...
|Trevor (not Trevor),|sad anorak archivist||        

P.S. - No plagarism here, all articles, archives etc from my own (slightly
stained) personal collection.

Back to Nick's page.