Date: Sat, 10 AUG 1996 19:37:18 +0100 
From: Trevor 
Subject: Nicks longest bit yet 

!Disclaimer! Void where prohibited by law, one claim per address. Cash
value 000001p. Some stuff that's actually funny, rather than the
ridiculous historical anal-ysis here, is coming up!

Continuing to probe Nicks 1993 bits, we today continue looking at the
background to the LBC incident. A few nights after failing to get on air
with Scotty, Nick finally succeeds:

Nick : (Phone ringing) There's thousands and thousands of people wanting
to talk to Scotty, right? I bet they've got.. er..

Operator : "Carry on, I'm listening."

Nick : "Who's this?"

Operator (laughs) : "It's Redrose Gold!"

Nick : "you're listening to who?"

Operator : "I was listening to you, I heard you nattering away in the
background and I thought I'll have a listen to this. Right, what can I
do for you? You want to speak to Scotty?"

Nick : "Yes please.. allright let me just say, because it's the law,
that you're on the air right now on Virgin 1215."

Operator : "I'm on the air right now, am I?"

Nick : "I'm afraid so, yeah."

Operator : "I remember, I spoke to you before... your name's Vic or
something, isn't it?"

Nick : "Yeah, Vic , that's right. Vic!"

Operator : "Vic. Right. What can I do for you Vic?"

Nick : "Vic? Well, um, Vic would like to speak to Scotty."

Operator : "Would he indeed? Well I tell you what, Vic, if you hold the
line I'll put you.."

Nick : "yeah, put me on hold. Can I listen to the show?"

Operator : "I'll put you on hold, you can listen to the show and he'll
speak to you shortly."

Nick : "Cool. Yeah, I bet he will. They did this to me last time, they
put me on hold and I was on hold for about half-an-hour....if I'd left
it on hold and gone on holiday and come back two weeks later it still
would have been on hold. And there still would have been these old farts
calling up about their back pains....."

Operator : "Sorry to keep you waiting, Rick, he'll be with you in a

Nick : "Rick?!?!"

Operator : "It is Rick, is it?"

Nick : "No, it's *Vic*"

Operator : "Oh! Vic, sorry Vic! I'll put you back on to the

Nick : "Let me put "The Who" on and I bet you a thousand pounds we're
still on hold when the track ends!" 

Nick : "'The kid's are allright', Virgin 1215... still on hold.."

Scotty : "Dick, turn your radio down! Dick!"

Nick : "Dick??"

Scotty : "Dick?"

Nick : "Who? Are you talking to me?"

Scotty : "Is that Dick? did you have music on there?"

Nick : "Yeah, I did. Yeah!"

Scotty : "Well turn your radio down."

Nick : "You want me to turn my radio.... listen, there's hundreds of
thousands of millions of watts, I can't turn that down! I'd need a team
of engineers in to turn that down, man."

Scotty : "A team of engineers! Now what can we do for you, Dick?"

Nick : "Now listen, it's the law, so I actually have to tell you that
you're, um, on the air on Virgin 1215 right now."

Scotty : "Oh wonderful."

Nick : "...and we've been on hold listening to your show, in fact we've
been on hold for almost two weeks waiting to get on your show!"

Scotty : "You're joking me."

Nick : "No! I was on your program, the nice gentleman put me on hold
just before I went on holiday two weeks ago, and when I came back from
holiday, geez, we were still on hold!"

Scotty : "Dick, you're winding me up. (Nick laughs) listen, have you got
a point?"

Nick : "Yeah, I'm just wondering what the topic is tonight?"

Scotty : "We're in the middle of a major discussion here, okay?"

Nick : "So whats the topic?"

Scotty : "Well we've got several topics on this program, and I'm
delighted to tell you that the govt. has done something sensible and
told the public sector workers like the teachers and the Mps and the
soldiers and the nurses they'll not be getting a pay rise next year
except through increased productivity and cost saving deals."

Nick : "D'you know that it's arthritis care week, this week?"

Scotty : "Is that right?"

Nick : "Yeah."

Scotty : "Wonderful."

Nick : "What is the demographic of your show, is it about 70-100 years

Scotty : "70-100 years old, that's me."

Nick : "Y'know, from the 9th of October onwards, you'll have a *hell* of
a lot to talk about on your show because it seems like, when I was
holding to get on, all anyone wants to talk about is thier personal

Scotty : "yes, pain. We have a lot of pain on this program."

Nick : "yeah, and the pain in the neck day is the 17th of October so,
geez, you should have a hell of a lot to talk about on that day, right?"

Scotty : "Oh there's plenty of pains in the neck, now the other thing

Nick : "National eczema week, foot health week, world mental health
dayand Europe against cancer week all in the same week! Your show's
going to be chock a block, isn't it?"

Scotty : "Now listen, can I give you some telephone numbers for

Nick : "You know what phone number I got last night? I got your home
phone number from the operator last night!"

Scotty : "Wonderful! Now can I give you some helplines?"

Nick : "Can I just ask you a question?"

Scotty : "hey?"

Nick : "Are you stupid enough to have your number in the book?"

Scotty : "Can I ask you a question? Is it not time for your medication?
do you realise this program is virtually reserved for Scousers?"

Nick : "Scotty, I just want a straight answer to a straight question,

Scotty : "Go on, then."

Nick : "Are you stupid enough to have your home telephone number in the
telephone book?"

Scotty : "I don't have a home phone number, I am not on the telephone."

Nick : "Is that because they don't pay you enough in Preston radio to
have a phone?"

Scotty : "I come in to work.."

Nick : "On the radio stations bus.."

Scotty : " that I can use the phone..."

Nick : "Now, have you had a drink tonight? Because you sound as if
you're a bit.. you know?"

Scotty : "No, I don't drink. I can't afford it!"

Nick : "Well, I don't doubt that for a second!"

Scotty : "I can't afford the drink."

Nick : "Is Jeff Graham the boss at that radio station?"

Scotty : "Jeff Graham's the boss, and a fine man he is too!

Nick : "And that's why you can't afford the drink, right?"

Scotty : "Now listen, I don't know if you can help us with this
discussion here, Dick, right?"

Nick : "Well, it sounds like you need all the help you can get, mate.."

Scotty : "I do indeed. Now, the problem is, that we're trying to get
scousers to change their accents so they don't get the rough end of the
stick all the time."

Nick : "And they should have no noticable trace of an accent like you,

Scotty : "Absolutely, I have one of those nuetral accents, I'm
originally from Cornwall."


Nick : "Cornwall in West Scotland..."

Scotty : "..hello? are ye still there?"

Nick : "You shut me up for just a second there, which is almost a world
record on this show.."

Scotty : "Redrose Gold calling the world, over! (silence) are you

Nick : "I think so. You're begining to slur your words, Scotty, I'm
getting a little worried about you, man."

Scotty : "I slur my words because I wasn't sent to the posh speech
training place that you went to.."

Nick : "..oh yeah. That's right. Uh-hmm. That's the thing about me, it's
that I'm *so* posh."

Scotty : "Were you born with a silver spoon in your gob?"

Nick : "No, I was born with a plastic spoon in-my-mouth, like Pete

Scotty : "Because I shall tell you here....."

Nick (taking the piss) : "ah'll tull you thus!!!"

Scotty : "..I will tell you something, right?"

Nick (laughs) : "Yes?"

Scotty : "I will tell you something, we're very straight talking up here
and we're very honest. We're not really on the radio, are we?"

Nick : "What do you mean?"

Scotty : "Are you joking me? You're winding me up?"

Nick : "Man, you're not only national, you are Europe wide right now."

Scotty : "You're giving me the chat, aren't you? You're winding me up, I
know you are!"

Nick : "Tune us in to Virgin 1215 right now, there must be a.. can you
afford a radio in your radio station? tune it in, AM 1215.."

Scotty : "No, you're too far up 999AM..."

(General chaos as Scotty and Nick talk over each others freqs.)

Nick : ".. you are Europe wide, you have never had a bigger audience, or
a younger audience I might say."

Scotty : "ah, you don't know about that! Now, my audience goes from age
18 upwards."

Nick : "Yeah (laughs) age *80* upwards I think is the phrase you're
looking for."

Scotty : "We do 18-98, we cover that 80 vital years of life."

Nick : "And the only 18 year old people you got listening are the people
looking after the 1000 year olds that call up your show!"

Scotty : "Well, we do have 1000 year old people that come on, you see,
because they live a long time here."

Nick : "No, I don't think they live such a long time, it just seems that

Scotty : "The 1000 year old people remember me from the younger days.."

Nick : "I have a poem that's just come in, would you like to hear it?"

Scotty : "I'd love it."

Nick : "Now I haven't read this through.. so are we on delay?"

Scotty : "We're on thousands of delays, I've already dumped most of your

Nick (laughs) : "'Oh Scotty oh Scotty,
                 Your antics send me potty.
                 Misery pain and suffering,
                 All seem to be your thing.
                 But it's OK and it's alright,
                 Because we all listen to Nick at night!'

Oh! Isn't that sweet?"

Scotty : "That's lovely! Now the next time you come up here, right? I'll
teach you how to say a few Scottish words"

Nick : "Yeah, I have a few Scottish words for you. But none of which I
can broadcast on my show."

Scotty (laughs) : "Now where are you from, Dick? Is it Dick or Nick?"

Nick : "It's Vic"

Scotty : "Where are you from, Vic?"

Nick : "Well, I was from Scotland and Wales and England. Everywhere and
nowhere, baby!"

Scotty : "You're a taffy!"

Nick : "A little bit, yeah."

Scotty : "Now you speak very trendy, we don't have any of that up

Nick : "I speak trendy? What the hell does that mean, Scotty?"

Scotty : "You call people man and babe and all that sort of thing.."

Nick : "yeah, that was trendy in about 1972. Yeah."

Scotty : "That's great that is, is that when you did your basic

Nick : "Training? (laughs) do I sound as if I've been trained to you?"

Scotty : "Oh, you're brilliant, man! You're a proffesional, I'll tell

Nick : "Listen Scotty, I think I have taken up way too much of your
valuable time.."

(Scotty remonstrates)

Nick : "..and if you don't get to the next call, she'll probably just
die waiting! the paramedics are on the way at this very moment.."

Scotty : "We do not cut people off on this program.."

Nick : "No, I bet, you just let them talk and talk and talk and talk and
talk.  GEEZ! So we finally got through! OH JOY! ladies and
gentleman, life is almost worth living again isn't it?"

Next episode : "Let's see if we can't get Robbie Vincent on the
Trevor (not Trevor)

Back to Nick's page.